How Growing Up as a “Good Girl” Has Shaped You and Why It Can Be Hard to Tune Into Your Own Needs and Desires

Beyond good or bad: embracing the messy, beautiful spectrum of being

For many of us, being a “good girl” was not just a label but a role we were expected to play. From an early age, we were praised for standing still, sharing our toys and playing nice. Later, the messages shifted to: “Be a good girl and don’t interrupt,” “Good girls aren’t bossy,” or “Good girls don’t brag.” We quickly learned that love and approval were tied to being polite, helpful and agreeable and to not take up too much space.

Those lessons shaped us into caring, dependable and hardworking women. But for some of us, they also came at a cost. Many of us struggle to know what our true needs even are. Conditioned to prioritise harmony and others’ opinions, we lose touch with our own voice. Instead of listening inward, we scan for cues of what is expected, leaving us disconnected from our desires, our boundaries and our sense of self.

As adults, we begin to see how limiting this good-or-bad, black-or-white thinking really is. Life is not that simple, it is full of nuance and shades of grey. Yet stepping outside the “good girl” box feels risky, as though we might lose acceptance. By the time we are ready to rewrite our story, learning to meet our own needs can feel deeply uncomfortable. After all, it was never modelled as a priority.

Unlearning that binary is slow and courageous work. It feels awkward at first, even selfish, but it is also the beginning of wholeness. It is where we start embracing the messy middle, the contradictions, the full spectrum of who we are.

We are not just good girls. We are whole women that are complex, powerful and worthy of living beyond the roles we were taught to play. And in recognising that, we give ourselves permission to be both kind and bold, nurturing and unapologetic, free and everything in between.

And we do not have to do it alone. Seeking help — through therapy, coaching, women’s circles, trusted friends or mentors — is not weakness but strength. Support might look like having our struggles validated, practising boundaries in safe spaces or simply being reminded of who we are. There is no shame in seeking guidance. In fact, it is often the very thing that helps us break old patterns and step into new ways of being.

If this speaks to you and you would like gentle support on your own journey, I invite you to reach out.